Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
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She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
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Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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