I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
