I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
