If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
