there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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