My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
