i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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