I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
