I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
