sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
