i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
