you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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