Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
