His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
