On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
