Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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