Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
