I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
