It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
