at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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