Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
