my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
