I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
