i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
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