So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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