I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
