I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
