So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
