you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
