splinters make it hard to masturbate
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
how does that bad decision feel?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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