HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
