K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
