as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
being pregnant is like rehab
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
