Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
