your parents love me but you hate me
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
