I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
That accounts for only three of the penises
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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