Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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