I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
