Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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