We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
