i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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