bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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