so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my shit smells like andre
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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