I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
