Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
