i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
