just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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