did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
