My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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