Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
