I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
