My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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