Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
