I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
