Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
