i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
