If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
